Stay calm, don’t yell back, let her finish, and ask what is wrong. If it keeps happening, take a break and consider talking it through with a counselor.
What to do
- Stay calm and don’t yell back.
- Let her finish before responding.
- Listen and ask what is wrong.
- Take a break and return later if it escalates.
- Avoid defensiveness.
Why people yell
Stress, feeling unheard or unmet needs.
Later
Talk calmly about patterns.
Help
Couples counseling can help. The Gottman Institute research shows that how a couple handles conflict predicts the relationship’s future.
Safety
Seek help if you feel unsafe.
Staying steady in the moment
Raised voices from a partner usually reflect stress, frustration or an unmet need. Research by psychologist John Gottman on couples found that harsh start-ups to conversations predict worse outcomes, and that taking a break of at least 20 minutes helps physiological calming when heart rate rises above about 100 beats per minute.
- Speak slowly and lower your own voice, since matching volume escalates conflict.
- Name what you hear, such as “I can hear you are upset,” then ask what is wrong.
- Suggest a pause and a set time to return to the conversation.
- Avoid insults, contempt or stonewalling, which Gottman lists among harmful patterns.
Afterward and safety
Return later when both are calm, use “I” statements and agree on rules for disagreements. Couples counseling, including Gottman Method or emotionally focused therapy, has evidence for improving communication. If yelling comes with threats, intimidation, name-calling, control or fear, it may be emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US is 1-800-799-7233, with chat at thehotline.org. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.
Staying steady in the moment
When someone is yelling, staying calm, lowering your voice, and not escalating can help. Taking a short break by saying you want to continue the talk when both of you are calmer is a recognized technique, as John Gottman’s research on couples describes physiological flooding when heart rates exceed about 100 beats per minute. A break of at least 20 minutes helps.
Afterward and safety
Return to the topic with specific concerns. Couples counseling can help with recurring conflict. If yelling includes threats, intimidation or fear for safety, it may be abuse: the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, and men and women both can call.
De escalation skills
Research by John Gottman finds that couples who begin discussions harshly end them negatively 96 percent of the time. Using I statements, avoiding sarcasm and contempt, and reflecting what you heard reduces conflict. Taking a 20 to 30 minute break lets heart rate drop. Active listening means summarizing what the other person said before replying.
Seeking help and safety
Couples therapy approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy show about 70 to 75 percent of couples improving. If anyone feels afraid, is threatened, hurt or controlled, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (also text START to 88788). Men can also be victims. In an emergency call 911.
Based on data from the Gottman Institute and the National Domestic Violence Hotline
